Retrospective Archaeology - The Food God

RELIGIONS OF THE WORLD

Fast Foodism

Deities

The Food God

The Food God is known as Ronald McDonald. At many of thehouses of worship, which are now available the whole worldover, it is possible to actually see, feel, and pay homage tostatues of the Food God, whose iconography is a clown withattendants such as the Hamburglar and the purple puffycharacter, among others. Sometimes, a devotee dressed asthe Food God will appear to give children a show outside thelocations of these houses of worship.

The Big Mac

The Big Mac awaits devotees on the other side of the GoldenArches. It is believed that he sent Ronald McDonald to RayKroc in order to teach him how to bring the people of theworld convenient, cheap, awful food.

The Burger King

Antithesis of the Food God, the Burger King attempts to stealdevotees. When one dies and has dishonored the Food God, itis believed that his or her soul is flame-broiled for alleternity alongside angus beef.

The Dairy Queen

The Dairy Queen and the Burger King had a thing for a while,but the Dairy Queen decided to upscale her sandwiches andshy away from the convenience, speed, and general awfulnessof the quality of the food. Also she sells shakes. As she is in amarket for different kinds of souls, neither the Burger Kingnor the Food God really give a rat's ass what she's up to thesedays.

Teachings

The Prophet Founder of this religion is known as Ray Kroc,who transferred messages from the Food God in the form ofvalue, speed, convenience, and calories to the public at largevia a fast-food restaurant chain, McDonald's. The prefix“ Mc-,” though Irish in origin, meaning “Descendant of,” nowcarries with it a lilt of holiness when describing food. Onlywhen “chicken sandwich” becomes “McChicken sandwich” canit be added to the Dollar Menu. This is not to suggest thatwhen one eats a McChicken sandwich that he or she is eating adescendant of the chicken in a sandwich, but chances are, thatpatty's made from more than and less than chicken, all at thesame time. Like I said, it's holy, and holy things getcomplicated. McNuggets, in fact, are so holy that no oneknows where the hell they came from.The Food God has an enemy, known as the Burger King. TheBurger King attempts to take away devotees to the Food Godby offering the devotee that he or she can “have it [his orher] way.”

Traditionally, if one honors the Food God throughout his orher life, after his or her death via heart attack, he or she willpass through the Golden Arches to sit at the right hand of theBig Mac for all eternity. If the Food God has been offended, heor she will be flame-broiled alongside angus beef on the grillof the Burger King forever.

For more information on Fast Foodism, including informationabout such deities as Sonic and Hardee, ...I dunno. Google it orsomething. I totally made all this stuff up, but in a fewthousand years from now when people dig up a statue, they'retotally going to think exactly what I wrote here.